“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?