Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

good let them take over I have had enough

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose