“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’d use my best pan on you.
What even happened today?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.