Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.