Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
You Might Also Like
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Come back with a warrant
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Blew my mind.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
