Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
S/o to @funTweeters .
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
i was baptized in a car wash
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.