Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Sticker placement is key.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.