Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we鈥檙e out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
peak technology
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I鈥檝e ever seen
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Obviously if someone鈥檚 in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close