Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Worst bar ever.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.