Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?