Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

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[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”


The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.


I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.


I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.


[runs up to a group of people]
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN


Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off


I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.


FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.


ME: Do we have Bacon Bits?
WIFE: Fridge. Why?
ME: *filling pockets* No reason

*dog park*
PERSON: Sorry. He’s normally behaved
ME: No prob