Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
plums roundup
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.