Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
LOL
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Incredible customer service.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks