Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE