Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
you can only post this today
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts