Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.