Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.