Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations