Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any