Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
i hate you platonically
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.