Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Tier 3 meme
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life