Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You Might Also Like
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I feel it
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ok like just. call me at this point
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”