Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

It kinda feels like this rn

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.