Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”