“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall