“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan