The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
lol
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”