Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Social distancing in Australia:

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.