Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now