Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again