Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Happy Friday

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.