Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.