Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

lol

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.