Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no