Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy