Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

eating my hot dog hamburger style

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Finally

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Anyone really

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…