your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
i will not be silenced
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?