Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My favorite female superhero
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
fixed it
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.