Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat