“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.