Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore