Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.