Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
i think both sides are to blame here
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
philosophical skeletons be like
