Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
the duality of man
Them: You should try keto
Me:
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!