Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.