Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I love it all

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations