Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
White parent Vs Arab parents
Choose your fighter
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
no exceptions
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
You wish you had this many chins.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*