Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.