Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Seals are just dog mermaids.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off