Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.