Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
💀🤣
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’