Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.