Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]