Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
always be there
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!