your daddy is a what now?
You Might Also Like
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
selena gomez
concern
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Finally
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.