your daddy is a what now?
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.