your daddy is a what now?
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.