Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”