Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.