Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

If you had more money you’d be happier.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.