Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
By Kate Hatos
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.