Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Become ungovernable.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”