Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

everyone’s a critic

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?