“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people