“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
three things we don’t talk about
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Dance like you’re not the father
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons