Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”