Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

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Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*


I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.


Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.


Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*


Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol


Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.


In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.


When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.