Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.
I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.