@sixfootcandy

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

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@stephenjmolloy

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

@catzsparkles

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@wildethingy

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

@kriswasp

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

@scottthetwat

Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@mydmac

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.