Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Who does Amazon think I am?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on