your elf on the shelf was delicious
You Might Also Like
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?