your elf on the shelf was delicious
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia