your elf on the shelf was delicious
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Good morning.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
😆this is so true
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend