your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Warm pools make me nervous.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
It be like that sometimes 😆
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??