your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.