ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m not proud
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.