Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My Plans 2020
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting