Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Not messing around
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.