Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
when someone rings the doorbell
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭