Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
☠️ ☠️
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.