Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.