Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Meow
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.