Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Easy enough.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.